So of of you guys have done the whole list of things you may or may not know about you, so here is mine because i do not want to work today.
1. I was thinking about this list the whole time I was on lunch, and now I don't know where to start
2. I think I am the ugly duckling in my family
3 I have very strange dreams often. I wake Will up almost every night that I am there because of them
4 I think I am too hard on my daughter because I feel like she should know better
5 i think my mom is very mean sometimes
6 my mother obviously shows favortism to my brothers, and it's very hurtful
7 i think i am too obsorbed in my relationships, and always have been
8 in the past i have tried to convince myself that i loved men who were not good for me because i did not think i deserved anyone better.
9 i still feel that way
10 it bothers me that Will has not asked me to move in with him and that things are progressing so slowly
11 i think it would be a terrible inconvenience to move in with Will because he lives half an hour away from maks school, and ballet
12 i hate having to get up and go to work every morning, but i hate sitting at home
13 i am terrible with managing my money
14 i don't think Will finds me attractive because he never compliments me
15 i think i'm getting sick
16 i have an IQ of 152
17 i am proud of that because i feel like that's all i have
18 i really miss smoking pot sometimes
19 i really enjoy smoking cigarettes
20 my grandmother had cancer due to smoking, i had to suction the mucus from her lungs
21 that only made me smoke more
22 sometimes i wish will still smoked so that it would be more convenient for me, and i would be able to smoke in his house
23 everyone around me is having a baby, and I want another one so badly
24 Will does not even want to think about having a kid until he is 30, and even then i don't know if he really wants one
25 i know without a shadow of doubt that i want to marry will
26 i think he has a lot of reservations about even thinking about marriage
27 i was never in love with my ex husband
28 i was looking for a reason to dump him when i found out i was pregnant
29 i have always been very jealous of my brother PJ because everyone liked him a lot more than they liked me
30 it's a lot harder to come up with 101 things than i thought it would be
31 everything i own is in boxes in Wills garage because my mother doesn't have enough room in her house for any of my belongings...but there's enough room for everyone elses
32 i am a pushover that will take just about anything before finally taking too much. this usually takes years of putting up with a lot
33 i blame myself for all of my failed relationships, because i feel that if i would have tried harder, than those men would have cared enough to try a little
34 when i babysat for my uncles kids, he paid me $6 and hour, plus a bag of pot. when i quit smoking pot, i felt like i should have gotten a raise
35 i am a very picky eater
36 i hate wearing office clothes
37 in a perfect world, i could wear jeans and a hoodie every day
38 i read a lot. between one and two books every week
39 i LOVE sudoku
40 I was supposed to have a meeting with the VP this morning. it was pushed back until "later." i am completely unprepared for it
41 i am a total nerd.
42 i love math and science
43 if i don't understand a concept immediately, i feel completely incompetant
44 i only have 2 hours left of work for the day, but am tempted to ask to leave early because i don't feel well, even though i don't feel that bad
45 i am paranoid about being late
46 Will is the first person i have ever dated that i thought would break up with me, and that scares me
47 i have never been dumped
48 i have always been able to get any guy i wanted, but then i didn't want them after a month or so
49 it took 2 months of dating Will before i realized I was in love with him
50 every other guy there was that immediate spark that would fizzle quickly
51 even though i slack a lot, i feel like i deserve a raise because i do this job better than anyone who has previously held this position
52 this list is making me feel kind of sad and pathetic about my life
53 I am very proud of my daughter, and feel that all of her good attributes are because of me, and not scott
54 when i try to talk to my mother about my day, very often she interupts to tell me about her day, or sometimes she just walks away, as if anything i say has no impotance
55 my inbox is full because the last week i have been really busy, and now that i have time to catch up on really important work, i am slacking off
56 people disliked me in high school because i was "too happy"
57 i was in a math class with will my junior year, and do not remember him in that class
58 i don't remember much about anything in high school
59 i made an exboyfriend crash his car by giving him road head
60 i like rubber band balls
61 i hate the way my voice sounds on the phone, but i think i do a good job singing karaoke
62 i hate when guys wear their hats crooked
63 i hate when anything is crooked, and feel that all things should be symetrical
64 i use highlighters on a daily basis
65 there are a lot of times that i miss bartending for numerous reasons. the constant cash flow, the constant socialization, and i loved creating drinks
66 for the past several months i have had the strong desire to get drunk
67 i am going to try really hard to not work for the rest of the day
68 i feel guilty that Makenzie has to grow up with divorced parents
69 I fear that Will does not see our relationship to be as important as I do, although he has done nothing to make me feel that way
70 i usually have a new best friend every year
71 I just overheard the VP saying that he has to leave in 5 minutes. that makes me very happy because that means the meeting will not happen today
Thats all for now
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
morning musings
Things are going a lot smoother now with Seton. She's getting used to being at the house, and is really trying to make things work. She's registered to go to scraft next month, and is working at the milner with ma today. things are still marvelous with Will...i am so lucky that i have him, seriously, he's the greatest guy I could ever imagine being with. We went to the light show on saturday night, Will, mak, Seton and I. it was really nice, then stopped at the end to see santa, have some hot choc, and makie played in the snow. sunday we went to the nutcracker. front row center, it was so great. the people in the pit were talking to makie before the show, so that made her feel very special. The ballet was beautiful, then we went to dinner with ma and seton afterwards.
So in other news...PJ is moving back here next month, with his girlfriend and the two girls. i'm pretty happy about that. i guess he's gonna stay with us until he can find a place. makie is way excited, cause his girls are 6 weeks older, and a year younger than her. it'll sure be crowded in the house though, but it'll be great.
So i've been thinking a lot lately about how i'm losing my best friend. for some reason, i end up getting someone that i'm incredibly close to for about a year or two, then we just kind of drift apart, cause life changes and such. I should be used to this i guess, but it's really bugging me. nae and i were inseperable for a little over a year. we even lived a couple doors down from each other for a few months. we had very similar relationships, and money situations, and life basically. but now, things are different. I've got will in my life, and things are going really great for me and everything, and she's worse off now than she was when we were hanging out. every time i call her, she' bitches about how much her life sucks, and if i say anything at all, if i say something good in my life, she shoots it down because her life is so hard and it's not fair, or if i complain about something then she just says it's nothing compared to how bad she's got it. so basically the whole conversation is her talking and me saying aww, poor nae. it's been this way for months now, and i'm just really sick of it. I just don't know what to do about it. i totally feel like it's time for me to move on, we have nothing in common anymore, but at the same time...she's been my best friend for almost 2 years. she never calls me, so it's always up to me to try to make contact, and she gives me such a guilt trip over not going to visit her, but every time i try to she has plans. i feel like it's really important for a girl to have a girlfriend she can turn to, but i just don't think that she's really there for me like she knows i am for her, which i have proven time and time again.
on top of that, i just don't see where i have time for other people in my life. my schedule is always pretty full, and everyone already complains that i don't have enough time for them. monday-brownies, tuesday-ballet, wednesday-mom night, thursday-will night, then the weekends, if i have mak, im doing stuff with her, if i don't then i do enjoy spending a little time with him. i only see him 5 out of every 14 days. i really don't think thats too much, not even close to enough if you ask me.
I would love to try to get together with some friends that i haven't hung out with in a while, but it seems like everyone is having the same trouble with trying to find free time. i don't know, maybe i'm just trying to find reasons to complain. i really shouldn't, things are going better for me now than they ever have been. work is way busy, but it's great, and they are really trying to keep me challenged, and Will is just super, mak is doing so great in school, they are telling me to try to get her into the ACAT program, cause she's just too darn smart (good thing she takes after me and not scott!) plus my finances are slowly but surely getting in order too. I guess I really should just look at the great things that are going on in my life and try to ignore the minor stuff.
So in other news...PJ is moving back here next month, with his girlfriend and the two girls. i'm pretty happy about that. i guess he's gonna stay with us until he can find a place. makie is way excited, cause his girls are 6 weeks older, and a year younger than her. it'll sure be crowded in the house though, but it'll be great.
So i've been thinking a lot lately about how i'm losing my best friend. for some reason, i end up getting someone that i'm incredibly close to for about a year or two, then we just kind of drift apart, cause life changes and such. I should be used to this i guess, but it's really bugging me. nae and i were inseperable for a little over a year. we even lived a couple doors down from each other for a few months. we had very similar relationships, and money situations, and life basically. but now, things are different. I've got will in my life, and things are going really great for me and everything, and she's worse off now than she was when we were hanging out. every time i call her, she' bitches about how much her life sucks, and if i say anything at all, if i say something good in my life, she shoots it down because her life is so hard and it's not fair, or if i complain about something then she just says it's nothing compared to how bad she's got it. so basically the whole conversation is her talking and me saying aww, poor nae. it's been this way for months now, and i'm just really sick of it. I just don't know what to do about it. i totally feel like it's time for me to move on, we have nothing in common anymore, but at the same time...she's been my best friend for almost 2 years. she never calls me, so it's always up to me to try to make contact, and she gives me such a guilt trip over not going to visit her, but every time i try to she has plans. i feel like it's really important for a girl to have a girlfriend she can turn to, but i just don't think that she's really there for me like she knows i am for her, which i have proven time and time again.
on top of that, i just don't see where i have time for other people in my life. my schedule is always pretty full, and everyone already complains that i don't have enough time for them. monday-brownies, tuesday-ballet, wednesday-mom night, thursday-will night, then the weekends, if i have mak, im doing stuff with her, if i don't then i do enjoy spending a little time with him. i only see him 5 out of every 14 days. i really don't think thats too much, not even close to enough if you ask me.
I would love to try to get together with some friends that i haven't hung out with in a while, but it seems like everyone is having the same trouble with trying to find free time. i don't know, maybe i'm just trying to find reasons to complain. i really shouldn't, things are going better for me now than they ever have been. work is way busy, but it's great, and they are really trying to keep me challenged, and Will is just super, mak is doing so great in school, they are telling me to try to get her into the ACAT program, cause she's just too darn smart (good thing she takes after me and not scott!) plus my finances are slowly but surely getting in order too. I guess I really should just look at the great things that are going on in my life and try to ignore the minor stuff.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
i guess i'm in the mood to complain
So I will say sorry right up front. I guess things have been bothering me a lot lately, but even I know that they aren't that bad, so I really shouldn't be complaining, but at the same time, i just feel like theres a bunch of stuff that adding up and i'm just a bit annoyed.
Nov 17th
I guess i'll start with the 17th. My sister called me at 2am, and I had been spending the night with Will. we were supposed to go up to his grams and go hunting. no, not that I could actually kill an animal, but i just wanted some time away with Will. so i get the call from my sis and will tells me to go back to bed, cause she's probably drunk. While this was partly true, she was drunk, she was calling to tell me that bether (her youngest) was having her baby. Erika was really upset cause she was still in florida, and they weren't supposed to come up till the following week. so she was fresking out and what was I supposed to do? I had to talk to her and comfort her. we talked for a few hours, me telling her everything would be okay. she bought a plane ticket, and her flight was leaving at 8. so I of course cancel my plans with will for our weekend away, and I drive to the airport to pick up my sister at 10. her flight was delayed, but she finally got here at noon. so i then drive her to Sturgis on the other side of the state to see her granddaughter. btw, bether had the baby while erika was still in the airplane. sucky that she wasn't there for it. so we spend the whole day at the hospital. check into a hotel that night and finally got a little sleep.
Nov 18th
spend most of Sunday at the hospital too. we went to meet my other neice Seton for lunch, and she tells us that she wants to move back home with me. umm....ok. ma of course is exstatic about the idea. she loves taking care of people. So gary (erika's hubby) drives up from florida, and stays with erika, so she's not alone, so i decide to go home. it's sunday, i'm exhausted, and i just wanna go home. we get home and will meets us there (Yay!) and helps us unpack all of setons stuff, fixes the TV so she has cable in her room, and i get to see him for a few minutes at least, even if it is with someone else there too.
Nov 19th
Monday I had the day off work (seeing as how it was supposed to be a vacation with Will.) so i was able to get seton all settled in. I hung out with her all day, and cooked for her all day. She's pregnant, 19, and due in April, so I have to make sure she eats right. then had girl scouts with mak. got home, cooked dinner, did makies homework with her, played with her, talked to ma a bit, and crashed.
Nov 20th
Tuesday I had work, which i was actually excited about. getting out of the house and everything. i felt kind of bad about leaving Seton alone all day though. So I pick up mak from school, and make dinner, help her with her homework, read with her, and by then my sister had driven over from sturgis to spend the remainder of her time with us. So then it was hanging out with her, and gary, ma, seton, mak, and me. makie saying she's bored and wants to play games, seton saying the same thing. ok, ballet time! so I take makie to ballet, which gave me an hour to talk to Will, which was needed. it had already been a very long and stressful week, and it's only tuesday. get home from ballet, and end up staying up till 11, which is fine for most, but i get up at 430 in the morning.
Nov 21st
Wake up exhausted. great way to start the day. oh well, i had a two day work week, can't really complain, plus to top it off, my boss wasn't at work, which always makes things better. so I work all day, then i'm supposed to pick up makie from school. i get halfway there, and scott calls to tell me he got out of work early, and he's gonna go pick her up. super, could he have possibly told me that before I drove an hour out of my way? oh well, so i call will and tell him I'm coming to his house for an hour of non family time. I love my family, but there's only so much you can take at once. So we hang out for a whole whopping hour, and then he comes over to my house with me. I help cook dinner, we all eat, then we play uno, which was pretty fun.
Nov 22nd
No thanksgiving meal for us on thanksgiving. Bether is gonna come up friday with her boyfriend and the new baby, so we're doing thanksgiving then. Lot's of prep to do though. So I entertain Seton, and mak, and help with getting everything ready for dinner tomorrow. Will comes over after he does his building check, and we all hang out and polish silverware, and set the table, and move furniture, and cook, and fold napkins (i made oragami napkins, they were pretty kewl.)
Nov 23rd
So we're going like mad trying to make sure that everything is perfect for dinner. cooking, cleaning, preparing, and all at the same time, mak and seton are still bored and need constant entertainment. ok, mak is 6, i get it. but come on, do I really have to constantly entertain a 19 year old too? and if seton isn't getting enough attention, then she feigns illness. this is already getting old. Oh well, what can you do? So Will comes over, and he spends most of the time talking to Gary, which was kind of good, cause ma had me working the whole time. Bether arrives with the baby, and she really is just the cutest thing you've ever seen, so little, i just can't believe it. and Joshi is there, (JR and brenda too of course, and brenda has another baby on the way too!) so dinner was great, and everyone pitched in to clean up, which was great, everyone got along which has never happened any other holiday. Then gary and erika, and bether and Jerry all pile into their trucks and head off to their homes. overall a very good day.
Nov 24th
So ma has to go down to milners to do a little work, couple of hours or so. So I make the mistake of asking if I can take mak over to Wills house and hang out there for a little while, and she can hang out with Seton. Yeah, big mistake. ma gets a little pissy with me, and lays the big "You're never home" guilt trip on me. ok, so forget that idea. I'm back on entertainment duty. So we play video games, and watch movies, and ma gets back and we all go watch a Bee Movie. it was a cute flick. (I still would have prefered some time away with will) He stayed at his house, which i really can't blame him at all. I mean there's only so much i can take, and they're my family.
Nov 25th
So it's pretty much a lazy day, I'm sick of being stuck in this house, and i'm sick of entertainment duty. I just want to leave my house in all actuality. Will is starting to get on me about how he's not getting any of my time. not in a bad way, not mad at me, just missing me. Which i feel the same way. I haven't been able to talk to him for 5 minutes without someone right up my butt. even when i try to go up to my room to talk to him on the phone, someone is walking in. ma has to work at the elks, so will comes over, fixes the door in the basement (it was hung the wrong way, and seton can't get in to the bathroom because there is too much stuff in the way.) so after he fixes the door, mak and seton are whining about it being so boring blah blah blah. so will says we should play video games. i have mario party 5 for the game cube, but only 2 controllers, and mak and seton won't play by themselves. so will decides he will buy us 2 more controllers so all 4 of us can play. i load up the car with the 4 of us, and we headed off to game stop, thinking they would be our best option. they have wireless ones for $25, but i was hoping for just a regular one for like $15 each. so we go to target, no luck, then walmart, they too only have the wireless for $25, but Will says he's had enough, and we'll just get these. we get home, and have no batteries. so i go to CVS. We play one game, and Seton gets a little pissy cause she didn't win. Will takes off cause it's gotten late, and everyone turns in.
Nov 26th. I go to work, and I'm bored out of my mind. I talked to my boss, told her i don't have nearly enough work to do, and begged for more. she turns me over to accounting and tells Brian there to give me work. Brian gives me a project that takes all of 5 minutes to update on a weekly basis. Gee, thanks. so glad you could keep me busy. I tell him i want more, like hours not minutes of work, and he says he'll give me more. we'll see. it's really bad when you have to beg for work to do, and yet you still spend all your work time doing myspace surveys. So i get home, cook dinner, play with makie a bit, and actually have a somewhat relaxing evening.
Nov 27th
So today, still bored at work. i was finished with both of my payrolls before 8. Earlene asks if Brian gave me anything to do and i told her that it was one little report that will take 5 minutes to do. so she gives me a project that will keep me busy for a bit. I get to stuff envelopes. woo hoo. I'm so glad this job challenges my intellect, lol. So makie has ballet tonight, so I'll get an hour to talk to Will without anyone else listening in, which will be good. then tomorrow is "mom night" which i would rather spend with Will, i mean i have been with my mother every day this week. although i've been with will a majority of it too, but it's different. Oh and will was talking to me last night, I guess my ma pissed him off a bit, cause she was talking on friday when all the babies were around that if will and i had a baby, it would be really tall and stuff. guess he didn't really appreciate that. idk how to feel about that either. should i feel hurt that the idea of having a baby with me makes him upset? or is it just that this has been a really stressful week, and how is he supposed to respond to my mother when we've been dating 7 months, and she's talking about us having babies, but at the same time, i can't go see him cause i'm never at home. i don't know. ok, i guess i'll go stuff some envelopes, and stop ranting.
Nov 17th
I guess i'll start with the 17th. My sister called me at 2am, and I had been spending the night with Will. we were supposed to go up to his grams and go hunting. no, not that I could actually kill an animal, but i just wanted some time away with Will. so i get the call from my sis and will tells me to go back to bed, cause she's probably drunk. While this was partly true, she was drunk, she was calling to tell me that bether (her youngest) was having her baby. Erika was really upset cause she was still in florida, and they weren't supposed to come up till the following week. so she was fresking out and what was I supposed to do? I had to talk to her and comfort her. we talked for a few hours, me telling her everything would be okay. she bought a plane ticket, and her flight was leaving at 8. so I of course cancel my plans with will for our weekend away, and I drive to the airport to pick up my sister at 10. her flight was delayed, but she finally got here at noon. so i then drive her to Sturgis on the other side of the state to see her granddaughter. btw, bether had the baby while erika was still in the airplane. sucky that she wasn't there for it. so we spend the whole day at the hospital. check into a hotel that night and finally got a little sleep.
Nov 18th
spend most of Sunday at the hospital too. we went to meet my other neice Seton for lunch, and she tells us that she wants to move back home with me. umm....ok. ma of course is exstatic about the idea. she loves taking care of people. So gary (erika's hubby) drives up from florida, and stays with erika, so she's not alone, so i decide to go home. it's sunday, i'm exhausted, and i just wanna go home. we get home and will meets us there (Yay!) and helps us unpack all of setons stuff, fixes the TV so she has cable in her room, and i get to see him for a few minutes at least, even if it is with someone else there too.
Nov 19th
Monday I had the day off work (seeing as how it was supposed to be a vacation with Will.) so i was able to get seton all settled in. I hung out with her all day, and cooked for her all day. She's pregnant, 19, and due in April, so I have to make sure she eats right. then had girl scouts with mak. got home, cooked dinner, did makies homework with her, played with her, talked to ma a bit, and crashed.
Nov 20th
Tuesday I had work, which i was actually excited about. getting out of the house and everything. i felt kind of bad about leaving Seton alone all day though. So I pick up mak from school, and make dinner, help her with her homework, read with her, and by then my sister had driven over from sturgis to spend the remainder of her time with us. So then it was hanging out with her, and gary, ma, seton, mak, and me. makie saying she's bored and wants to play games, seton saying the same thing. ok, ballet time! so I take makie to ballet, which gave me an hour to talk to Will, which was needed. it had already been a very long and stressful week, and it's only tuesday. get home from ballet, and end up staying up till 11, which is fine for most, but i get up at 430 in the morning.
Nov 21st
Wake up exhausted. great way to start the day. oh well, i had a two day work week, can't really complain, plus to top it off, my boss wasn't at work, which always makes things better. so I work all day, then i'm supposed to pick up makie from school. i get halfway there, and scott calls to tell me he got out of work early, and he's gonna go pick her up. super, could he have possibly told me that before I drove an hour out of my way? oh well, so i call will and tell him I'm coming to his house for an hour of non family time. I love my family, but there's only so much you can take at once. So we hang out for a whole whopping hour, and then he comes over to my house with me. I help cook dinner, we all eat, then we play uno, which was pretty fun.
Nov 22nd
No thanksgiving meal for us on thanksgiving. Bether is gonna come up friday with her boyfriend and the new baby, so we're doing thanksgiving then. Lot's of prep to do though. So I entertain Seton, and mak, and help with getting everything ready for dinner tomorrow. Will comes over after he does his building check, and we all hang out and polish silverware, and set the table, and move furniture, and cook, and fold napkins (i made oragami napkins, they were pretty kewl.)
Nov 23rd
So we're going like mad trying to make sure that everything is perfect for dinner. cooking, cleaning, preparing, and all at the same time, mak and seton are still bored and need constant entertainment. ok, mak is 6, i get it. but come on, do I really have to constantly entertain a 19 year old too? and if seton isn't getting enough attention, then she feigns illness. this is already getting old. Oh well, what can you do? So Will comes over, and he spends most of the time talking to Gary, which was kind of good, cause ma had me working the whole time. Bether arrives with the baby, and she really is just the cutest thing you've ever seen, so little, i just can't believe it. and Joshi is there, (JR and brenda too of course, and brenda has another baby on the way too!) so dinner was great, and everyone pitched in to clean up, which was great, everyone got along which has never happened any other holiday. Then gary and erika, and bether and Jerry all pile into their trucks and head off to their homes. overall a very good day.
Nov 24th
So ma has to go down to milners to do a little work, couple of hours or so. So I make the mistake of asking if I can take mak over to Wills house and hang out there for a little while, and she can hang out with Seton. Yeah, big mistake. ma gets a little pissy with me, and lays the big "You're never home" guilt trip on me. ok, so forget that idea. I'm back on entertainment duty. So we play video games, and watch movies, and ma gets back and we all go watch a Bee Movie. it was a cute flick. (I still would have prefered some time away with will) He stayed at his house, which i really can't blame him at all. I mean there's only so much i can take, and they're my family.
Nov 25th
So it's pretty much a lazy day, I'm sick of being stuck in this house, and i'm sick of entertainment duty. I just want to leave my house in all actuality. Will is starting to get on me about how he's not getting any of my time. not in a bad way, not mad at me, just missing me. Which i feel the same way. I haven't been able to talk to him for 5 minutes without someone right up my butt. even when i try to go up to my room to talk to him on the phone, someone is walking in. ma has to work at the elks, so will comes over, fixes the door in the basement (it was hung the wrong way, and seton can't get in to the bathroom because there is too much stuff in the way.) so after he fixes the door, mak and seton are whining about it being so boring blah blah blah. so will says we should play video games. i have mario party 5 for the game cube, but only 2 controllers, and mak and seton won't play by themselves. so will decides he will buy us 2 more controllers so all 4 of us can play. i load up the car with the 4 of us, and we headed off to game stop, thinking they would be our best option. they have wireless ones for $25, but i was hoping for just a regular one for like $15 each. so we go to target, no luck, then walmart, they too only have the wireless for $25, but Will says he's had enough, and we'll just get these. we get home, and have no batteries. so i go to CVS. We play one game, and Seton gets a little pissy cause she didn't win. Will takes off cause it's gotten late, and everyone turns in.
Nov 26th. I go to work, and I'm bored out of my mind. I talked to my boss, told her i don't have nearly enough work to do, and begged for more. she turns me over to accounting and tells Brian there to give me work. Brian gives me a project that takes all of 5 minutes to update on a weekly basis. Gee, thanks. so glad you could keep me busy. I tell him i want more, like hours not minutes of work, and he says he'll give me more. we'll see. it's really bad when you have to beg for work to do, and yet you still spend all your work time doing myspace surveys. So i get home, cook dinner, play with makie a bit, and actually have a somewhat relaxing evening.
Nov 27th
So today, still bored at work. i was finished with both of my payrolls before 8. Earlene asks if Brian gave me anything to do and i told her that it was one little report that will take 5 minutes to do. so she gives me a project that will keep me busy for a bit. I get to stuff envelopes. woo hoo. I'm so glad this job challenges my intellect, lol. So makie has ballet tonight, so I'll get an hour to talk to Will without anyone else listening in, which will be good. then tomorrow is "mom night" which i would rather spend with Will, i mean i have been with my mother every day this week. although i've been with will a majority of it too, but it's different. Oh and will was talking to me last night, I guess my ma pissed him off a bit, cause she was talking on friday when all the babies were around that if will and i had a baby, it would be really tall and stuff. guess he didn't really appreciate that. idk how to feel about that either. should i feel hurt that the idea of having a baby with me makes him upset? or is it just that this has been a really stressful week, and how is he supposed to respond to my mother when we've been dating 7 months, and she's talking about us having babies, but at the same time, i can't go see him cause i'm never at home. i don't know. ok, i guess i'll go stuff some envelopes, and stop ranting.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
busy halloween
Yesterday was an insanely busy day. I had a few problems at work that took my whole day to fix, then I left work, went to pick up mak, and only had like 2 minutes before the bell rang. I am very nervous about being late. I always show up for things 15 minutes before i need to, so showing up to school with only two minutes to spare really bothers me. I pick her up and we went to the learning tree. This will be her new daycare, because the one that she was at is a total POS! Scott picked it out for convenience and cost. Well, some things you get what you pay for. Any one could just walk in off the street into the building, and while I am aware that I am slightly paranoid, anyone with a child in todays society will agree that there have been way too many news stories about people and daycares. Also, they sent us home a nasty letter saying that they weren't aware of something Scott was supposed to have delt with, anyway, they suck, and she's now going to the learning tree. So I went there with mak to finalize the paperwork and give them money. They don't take credit cards, ok, so I go to the bank, grab $120.00 for them for the week and registration (she only goes after school for 2 days) then we went home. Had to get her homework done before her dad picks her up. She complains that he never makes time for her to have her homework and 20 minutes of reading, so on wednesdays i like to get that done with her so that she has time. Had to write a letter to school stating her new bus route and everything. by then, her dad was there. I had to talk to him (which I hate doing!) and explain all the new policies and procedures with the new daycare, and figure out the money situation for that, then out the door heading to Wills. By now i am totally wound up and stressed, just from having such a busy day.
I call Will to see if there is a better way to get to his house cause the free way is all backed up, he doesn't answer. Ok, so I call my girlfriend Nae to chat with her, cause it seems like I never have any time for her anymore. She also doesn't answer. Ok. So i'm driving in horrible rush hour traffic, and will had told me earlier that he wants me at his house as soon as possible so that we could have a few minutes alone before his ma showed up. He calls back while i'm still on the road, and we chat for a bit. He tells me that his ma is at big lots around the corner from his house, so we won't be able to have any alone time after all, so he's all bummed about that, and I was too. so then he wants to know what I wanna do for food. at this point all I wanna do is stop driving! so he asks me to stop and get a pizza. ok, will he call it in? No, he doesn't like having to call. Fine! So he at least gives me a numer for hungry howies by his house, and i'm still 15 minutes away, so i'll be driving by it at the right time anyway. So i call, having no idea what to order. I get 2 large pizzas and cheeser bread. $30 and 45-60 minutes. What! that's insane! well what else can I do? i guess no one wanted to cook last night.
So I finally get to wills house, and his ma still isn't there. So we take advantage of the time we have alone. that made me feel better. then his ma gets there, and we sit around talking for a bit, waiting for the trick or treaters to show up. I'm all excited, cause they are so cute, and blah blah blah. Will even bought a case of regular size snicker bars to give away. then I go get the pizza, come home and eat. we pop in some tales from the crypt season 4 (not the best season at all, they were pretty lame.) we sat around talking with his ma until about 830 or so. I felt kind of bad for him, cause she kept saying how much nicer and bigger and better her house was compaired to his. I mean, that's a bit rude, isn't it? she must have said it at least a half dozen times. grrr. idk, so then we went to bed.
When I got up this morning, she was walking out the door as my alarm was going off at 530. didn't even say hello. idk, he said that she said she liked me the last time they were together, so i'll just not freak out about that. last night I was way too tired and stressed to even spend any energy on what she thought about me, which is really odd, cause I usually really freak out about things like that. Maybe because we were at his house instead of something more formal likke going out to dinner, or maybe just because I was whipped. regardless, it all ended up being ok. except for the lack of trick or treaters, which i was really bummed about. not a single kid. grrrr.
I call Will to see if there is a better way to get to his house cause the free way is all backed up, he doesn't answer. Ok, so I call my girlfriend Nae to chat with her, cause it seems like I never have any time for her anymore. She also doesn't answer. Ok. So i'm driving in horrible rush hour traffic, and will had told me earlier that he wants me at his house as soon as possible so that we could have a few minutes alone before his ma showed up. He calls back while i'm still on the road, and we chat for a bit. He tells me that his ma is at big lots around the corner from his house, so we won't be able to have any alone time after all, so he's all bummed about that, and I was too. so then he wants to know what I wanna do for food. at this point all I wanna do is stop driving! so he asks me to stop and get a pizza. ok, will he call it in? No, he doesn't like having to call. Fine! So he at least gives me a numer for hungry howies by his house, and i'm still 15 minutes away, so i'll be driving by it at the right time anyway. So i call, having no idea what to order. I get 2 large pizzas and cheeser bread. $30 and 45-60 minutes. What! that's insane! well what else can I do? i guess no one wanted to cook last night.
So I finally get to wills house, and his ma still isn't there. So we take advantage of the time we have alone. that made me feel better. then his ma gets there, and we sit around talking for a bit, waiting for the trick or treaters to show up. I'm all excited, cause they are so cute, and blah blah blah. Will even bought a case of regular size snicker bars to give away. then I go get the pizza, come home and eat. we pop in some tales from the crypt season 4 (not the best season at all, they were pretty lame.) we sat around talking with his ma until about 830 or so. I felt kind of bad for him, cause she kept saying how much nicer and bigger and better her house was compaired to his. I mean, that's a bit rude, isn't it? she must have said it at least a half dozen times. grrr. idk, so then we went to bed.
When I got up this morning, she was walking out the door as my alarm was going off at 530. didn't even say hello. idk, he said that she said she liked me the last time they were together, so i'll just not freak out about that. last night I was way too tired and stressed to even spend any energy on what she thought about me, which is really odd, cause I usually really freak out about things like that. Maybe because we were at his house instead of something more formal likke going out to dinner, or maybe just because I was whipped. regardless, it all ended up being ok. except for the lack of trick or treaters, which i was really bummed about. not a single kid. grrrr.
Monday, October 15, 2007
my perfect weekend
So i had the most absolute picture perfect weekend! Makie and I went to Wills house saturday after he got out of work. We all went to the farm to go pumpkin picking. When we got there we fed the goats for a while (i love goats) then we saw they had a corn maze. Makie just adores mazes, so we went through, and it was so much fun!!! it took us about an hour to go through the whole thing, and there were turkeys and chickens just walking around through it too. then we took the hay ride to the pumpkin patch. we all picked out great pumkins! Makie found hers in less than a minute, lol. then we went back to Wills house, and he cooked us a wonderful dinner while i did dishes, and makie played her video game.
Sunday we slept in till 9, then Will started cooking pancakes. Makie got a bit bummed cause he said he was gonna make french toast, and he forgot, so he made french toast too! then we played a 2 hour game of monopoly. I lost, and Will won. Then Will made us lunch (he cooks better than I do) and then we carved pumpkins. Maks was the scariest one :-) After that, we roasted the pumpkin seeds. Will went and took a nap while makie and I baked a cake. We woke Will up when the cake was done, and makie went outside and played in the leaf piles. Then we played UNO, and Will made chicken and dumplings for dinner. I love them, they are SOOOO good! then Will played makies video game with her (littlest pet shop, lol.)
Just before we left, Will told me that we need to clean out his front bedroom (it's his storage room right now) so that Makie will have her own room! yeah, I really could not possibly ask for a better weekend. The weather was great, and so was the company! I'm pretty much floating on cloud nine today!!!
Sunday we slept in till 9, then Will started cooking pancakes. Makie got a bit bummed cause he said he was gonna make french toast, and he forgot, so he made french toast too! then we played a 2 hour game of monopoly. I lost, and Will won. Then Will made us lunch (he cooks better than I do) and then we carved pumpkins. Maks was the scariest one :-) After that, we roasted the pumpkin seeds. Will went and took a nap while makie and I baked a cake. We woke Will up when the cake was done, and makie went outside and played in the leaf piles. Then we played UNO, and Will made chicken and dumplings for dinner. I love them, they are SOOOO good! then Will played makies video game with her (littlest pet shop, lol.)
Just before we left, Will told me that we need to clean out his front bedroom (it's his storage room right now) so that Makie will have her own room! yeah, I really could not possibly ask for a better weekend. The weather was great, and so was the company! I'm pretty much floating on cloud nine today!!!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
not finished yet
ok, so i guess i'm not done spewing forth all the crap floating around in my brain. I still have an hour and a half to sit here at my desk, but all of my work has been done since 10, and i'm getting really bored of myspace. so okay, a problem i am dealing with as of right now. so the day before my bday i decided to quit smoking. actually let me back up a bit. a few days beforehand, Will and I were having a relationship talk, because every couple of months i force one out of him, much to his dismay. i was asking what problems he may see in the relationship so thata i could nip them in the bud. as i stated previously, i'm afraid he's gonna dump me, cause i'm not good enough. he said that he really doesn't have anything he would like to change about anything, except maybe the fact that i smoke. he is a non smoker, and when we started dating, he started smoking again, then quit after a couple months again. so back to the day before my bday...I quit. cold turkey, just like that. it sucked hardcore. personally i like to smoke. or maybe that's just what all smokers tell themselves. i def don't like paying over $5 a pack. he was so proud of me, and kept telling me that over and over again. it really made me feel good.
so i went three weeks without a smoke. then comes the day i am supposed to meet his family. ok, so i totally freak out. scared that they won't like me, they won't think i measure up, whatever. so i end up telling my boss that my kid is sick at school, and i leave and take a half day personal day. i go home, launder my outfit that i was wearing at work, so that there are no wrinkles, go to the store and buy a toy to bribe my daughter into being extra good at dinner (cause he invited her along as well, and she was very good, my daughter is a practical angel) buy her a new outfit, and basically freak out. I also buy a pack of smokes which i had not done in the previous three weeks. dinner went well, i was very quiet, while i was trying to interject as much as i could, there were few places for me to pipe in, seeing as how most of the conversation centered around "hey Will, remember when you did this stupid thing, etc."
Well that was my demise. that one pack of smokes. so then i went right back to smoking my normal amount. a little more than a pack a day. I didn't wanna tell Will, cause he would be so dissappointed in me. plus every time i bought one, it was the last one, ya know. so this went on for a week. finally, saturday we were packing up everything i own and donating a large portion of it because i live in my mothers house, and there is no room for anything that i own. my sister is coming at the end of the month, and the room i use to store my stuff is going to be needed as a bedroom. so out my stuff has to go. this is a very upsetting topic for me. so as we are going through everything and i'm faced with the fact that nothing that i own has any importance whatsoever, i stress out and tell will that i want to go to the store and get a pack of smokes.
so i tell him that i have been smoking this last week. he really doesn't say anything about it, takes me to the store, i smoke, and things continue on like nothing has happened. later while we're driving back to his house he says something about how not only am i smoking again, but i'm chain smoking (which i was) and i come up with the lame excuse that i'm stressed. then on sunday night i was talking to him, and asking him if he knew the date of our first date. i knew that he didn't, and for some reason this bugged me. he says that it's not that big of a deal, and how ppl don't celebrate that day, and that wedding aniverseries are the only ones that count, and how it's retarded that we're having a fight over him screwing up and not celebrating an aniversery that is 6 months away. and all of that is kind of true, but idk, i kind of feel that it is important, and it's celebrating that relationship for the year. anyway, so i also said something about him not talking about his feelings and everything, which i do tend to say to him a lot, which i probably shouldn't, it's just that i have so many emotions and thoughts rambling in my head, it just seems like he would to. the point i'm getting to is that he said that there's no point in talking about his thoughts anyway, cause it doesn't do any good. i was kind of taken aback. I asked what he was talking about, and he said that the only thing he ever mentioned that he would like to see different is my smoking habit, and I went back to it, so...
well that kind of hurt. and at the same time i feel like he is right. so the next morning i threw away my smokes, wrote him a note saying that, and also saying that i was sorry, and that i can certainly do this one little thing for him, seeing as how he does so much for me.
then at lunch i bought another pack. i was okay in the morning, but come lunch time i couldn't stop myself. then today, i ran out this morning, and said ok, no more. then at lunch, i went and bought a pack.
i'm kind of at a loss here. i mean if i quit for three weeks before, i figure i could quit again. and i quit because he wanted me to, which is the same reason. i mean i know i should, it's not just for him, but he was what brought it on. i don't know if i'm trying to rebel or what. my boss smokes, and we end up having very good bonding experiences when we go out and smoke together. my ma smokes too, so when i'm at home, it's a constant. i'm kind of at a loss here. idk if i should just tell him i can't quit and he's just gonna have to deal with that, or just try to get over my own demons and try harder to quit again. i just have no idea at this point.
i guess thats all i have to say. it's more than enough
so i went three weeks without a smoke. then comes the day i am supposed to meet his family. ok, so i totally freak out. scared that they won't like me, they won't think i measure up, whatever. so i end up telling my boss that my kid is sick at school, and i leave and take a half day personal day. i go home, launder my outfit that i was wearing at work, so that there are no wrinkles, go to the store and buy a toy to bribe my daughter into being extra good at dinner (cause he invited her along as well, and she was very good, my daughter is a practical angel) buy her a new outfit, and basically freak out. I also buy a pack of smokes which i had not done in the previous three weeks. dinner went well, i was very quiet, while i was trying to interject as much as i could, there were few places for me to pipe in, seeing as how most of the conversation centered around "hey Will, remember when you did this stupid thing, etc."
Well that was my demise. that one pack of smokes. so then i went right back to smoking my normal amount. a little more than a pack a day. I didn't wanna tell Will, cause he would be so dissappointed in me. plus every time i bought one, it was the last one, ya know. so this went on for a week. finally, saturday we were packing up everything i own and donating a large portion of it because i live in my mothers house, and there is no room for anything that i own. my sister is coming at the end of the month, and the room i use to store my stuff is going to be needed as a bedroom. so out my stuff has to go. this is a very upsetting topic for me. so as we are going through everything and i'm faced with the fact that nothing that i own has any importance whatsoever, i stress out and tell will that i want to go to the store and get a pack of smokes.
so i tell him that i have been smoking this last week. he really doesn't say anything about it, takes me to the store, i smoke, and things continue on like nothing has happened. later while we're driving back to his house he says something about how not only am i smoking again, but i'm chain smoking (which i was) and i come up with the lame excuse that i'm stressed. then on sunday night i was talking to him, and asking him if he knew the date of our first date. i knew that he didn't, and for some reason this bugged me. he says that it's not that big of a deal, and how ppl don't celebrate that day, and that wedding aniverseries are the only ones that count, and how it's retarded that we're having a fight over him screwing up and not celebrating an aniversery that is 6 months away. and all of that is kind of true, but idk, i kind of feel that it is important, and it's celebrating that relationship for the year. anyway, so i also said something about him not talking about his feelings and everything, which i do tend to say to him a lot, which i probably shouldn't, it's just that i have so many emotions and thoughts rambling in my head, it just seems like he would to. the point i'm getting to is that he said that there's no point in talking about his thoughts anyway, cause it doesn't do any good. i was kind of taken aback. I asked what he was talking about, and he said that the only thing he ever mentioned that he would like to see different is my smoking habit, and I went back to it, so...
well that kind of hurt. and at the same time i feel like he is right. so the next morning i threw away my smokes, wrote him a note saying that, and also saying that i was sorry, and that i can certainly do this one little thing for him, seeing as how he does so much for me.
then at lunch i bought another pack. i was okay in the morning, but come lunch time i couldn't stop myself. then today, i ran out this morning, and said ok, no more. then at lunch, i went and bought a pack.
i'm kind of at a loss here. i mean if i quit for three weeks before, i figure i could quit again. and i quit because he wanted me to, which is the same reason. i mean i know i should, it's not just for him, but he was what brought it on. i don't know if i'm trying to rebel or what. my boss smokes, and we end up having very good bonding experiences when we go out and smoke together. my ma smokes too, so when i'm at home, it's a constant. i'm kind of at a loss here. idk if i should just tell him i can't quit and he's just gonna have to deal with that, or just try to get over my own demons and try harder to quit again. i just have no idea at this point.
i guess thats all i have to say. it's more than enough
still new to all of this
So i have been looking at friends blogs lately, and decided maybe this is the way to get things off of my chest rather than making the people around me insane with all of my stupid thoughts. I have a tendancy to look at all of the bad things that may insue from a situation, and then in turn perhaps make those things happen instead of avoid them. I'm really not sure where to begin, so i suppose i will just jump right in.
lately i think I am possibly making things worse in my relationship. I say and do stupid things because i think stupid things. i wish there was some way to repress the thoughts that fill my head. i am way too overly emotional, and I allow things to hurt my feelings when i know darn well they were not said in that way. (i have a lot of spare time in my job as well, so instead of working, i try to find other ways to kill time, as you can tell.)
so here is my problem as of right now, and this may lead to more as i write, can't guarentee it won't, so i make no promises. Will is the most wonderful person that I could possibly have in my life. sometimes i'm afraid that he is too good for me. ok, strike that, i am very afraid that he is too good for me. he is intellegent, enough that my 152 IQ means just about diddly squat when we actually have debates (which btw, i love that we sit there and have debates.) I have this constant fear that he's gonna realize that he has sunken below his level with me, and will one day wake up and realize this mistake, and break up with me. now mind you he has done nothing to provoke these thoughts. it is 100% my mind working against me. he has gone out of his way to show me that i am loved. I have a 6 yr old daughter, Makenzie, (who is the cutest little one in the world i might add) and he is so great with her. we go out, and she is included. I had a mandotory parent night for girlscouts, and Will came with me. her open house, Will came with me. he thinks of her, and things that she would like to do, like going to see the nutcracker at xmas time (she's a little balerina, so she'll really love it.)
So back to the problem at hand (I could go on listing all of his good traits forever.) I have no idea how to qualm these feeling of ineptitude, and i'm afraid that maybe i am sabatageing (no clue how to spell that, sry) my relationship because of my feeling of inadiquicy. So i am open to any and all thoughts on the subject, and hoping that just by letting all of this out it will magically make me feel better.
lately i think I am possibly making things worse in my relationship. I say and do stupid things because i think stupid things. i wish there was some way to repress the thoughts that fill my head. i am way too overly emotional, and I allow things to hurt my feelings when i know darn well they were not said in that way. (i have a lot of spare time in my job as well, so instead of working, i try to find other ways to kill time, as you can tell.)
so here is my problem as of right now, and this may lead to more as i write, can't guarentee it won't, so i make no promises. Will is the most wonderful person that I could possibly have in my life. sometimes i'm afraid that he is too good for me. ok, strike that, i am very afraid that he is too good for me. he is intellegent, enough that my 152 IQ means just about diddly squat when we actually have debates (which btw, i love that we sit there and have debates.) I have this constant fear that he's gonna realize that he has sunken below his level with me, and will one day wake up and realize this mistake, and break up with me. now mind you he has done nothing to provoke these thoughts. it is 100% my mind working against me. he has gone out of his way to show me that i am loved. I have a 6 yr old daughter, Makenzie, (who is the cutest little one in the world i might add) and he is so great with her. we go out, and she is included. I had a mandotory parent night for girlscouts, and Will came with me. her open house, Will came with me. he thinks of her, and things that she would like to do, like going to see the nutcracker at xmas time (she's a little balerina, so she'll really love it.)
So back to the problem at hand (I could go on listing all of his good traits forever.) I have no idea how to qualm these feeling of ineptitude, and i'm afraid that maybe i am sabatageing (no clue how to spell that, sry) my relationship because of my feeling of inadiquicy. So i am open to any and all thoughts on the subject, and hoping that just by letting all of this out it will magically make me feel better.
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