not finished yet

ok, so i guess i'm not done spewing forth all the crap floating around in my brain. I still have an hour and a half to sit here at my desk, but all of my work has been done since 10, and i'm getting really bored of myspace. so okay, a problem i am dealing with as of right now. so the day before my bday i decided to quit smoking. actually let me back up a bit. a few days beforehand, Will and I were having a relationship talk, because every couple of months i force one out of him, much to his dismay. i was asking what problems he may see in the relationship so thata i could nip them in the bud. as i stated previously, i'm afraid he's gonna dump me, cause i'm not good enough. he said that he really doesn't have anything he would like to change about anything, except maybe the fact that i smoke. he is a non smoker, and when we started dating, he started smoking again, then quit after a couple months again. so back to the day before my bday...I quit. cold turkey, just like that. it sucked hardcore. personally i like to smoke. or maybe that's just what all smokers tell themselves. i def don't like paying over $5 a pack. he was so proud of me, and kept telling me that over and over again. it really made me feel good.

so i went three weeks without a smoke. then comes the day i am supposed to meet his family. ok, so i totally freak out. scared that they won't like me, they won't think i measure up, whatever. so i end up telling my boss that my kid is sick at school, and i leave and take a half day personal day. i go home, launder my outfit that i was wearing at work, so that there are no wrinkles, go to the store and buy a toy to bribe my daughter into being extra good at dinner (cause he invited her along as well, and she was very good, my daughter is a practical angel) buy her a new outfit, and basically freak out. I also buy a pack of smokes which i had not done in the previous three weeks. dinner went well, i was very quiet, while i was trying to interject as much as i could, there were few places for me to pipe in, seeing as how most of the conversation centered around "hey Will, remember when you did this stupid thing, etc."

Well that was my demise. that one pack of smokes. so then i went right back to smoking my normal amount. a little more than a pack a day. I didn't wanna tell Will, cause he would be so dissappointed in me. plus every time i bought one, it was the last one, ya know. so this went on for a week. finally, saturday we were packing up everything i own and donating a large portion of it because i live in my mothers house, and there is no room for anything that i own. my sister is coming at the end of the month, and the room i use to store my stuff is going to be needed as a bedroom. so out my stuff has to go. this is a very upsetting topic for me. so as we are going through everything and i'm faced with the fact that nothing that i own has any importance whatsoever, i stress out and tell will that i want to go to the store and get a pack of smokes.


so i tell him that i have been smoking this last week. he really doesn't say anything about it, takes me to the store, i smoke, and things continue on like nothing has happened. later while we're driving back to his house he says something about how not only am i smoking again, but i'm chain smoking (which i was) and i come up with the lame excuse that i'm stressed. then on sunday night i was talking to him, and asking him if he knew the date of our first date. i knew that he didn't, and for some reason this bugged me. he says that it's not that big of a deal, and how ppl don't celebrate that day, and that wedding aniverseries are the only ones that count, and how it's retarded that we're having a fight over him screwing up and not celebrating an aniversery that is 6 months away. and all of that is kind of true, but idk, i kind of feel that it is important, and it's celebrating that relationship for the year. anyway, so i also said something about him not talking about his feelings and everything, which i do tend to say to him a lot, which i probably shouldn't, it's just that i have so many emotions and thoughts rambling in my head, it just seems like he would to. the point i'm getting to is that he said that there's no point in talking about his thoughts anyway, cause it doesn't do any good. i was kind of taken aback. I asked what he was talking about, and he said that the only thing he ever mentioned that he would like to see different is my smoking habit, and I went back to it, so...

well that kind of hurt. and at the same time i feel like he is right. so the next morning i threw away my smokes, wrote him a note saying that, and also saying that i was sorry, and that i can certainly do this one little thing for him, seeing as how he does so much for me.

then at lunch i bought another pack. i was okay in the morning, but come lunch time i couldn't stop myself. then today, i ran out this morning, and said ok, no more. then at lunch, i went and bought a pack.

i'm kind of at a loss here. i mean if i quit for three weeks before, i figure i could quit again. and i quit because he wanted me to, which is the same reason. i mean i know i should, it's not just for him, but he was what brought it on. i don't know if i'm trying to rebel or what. my boss smokes, and we end up having very good bonding experiences when we go out and smoke together. my ma smokes too, so when i'm at home, it's a constant. i'm kind of at a loss here. idk if i should just tell him i can't quit and he's just gonna have to deal with that, or just try to get over my own demons and try harder to quit again. i just have no idea at this point.

i guess thats all i have to say. it's more than enough