changes

before you read this, realize this is not public knowledge yet, so please keep this info here.


well, so I haven't updated in forever, and a million things are going on in my life. Will and I went to Vegas, and had a blast! everyhting was picture perfect. we went to all the casinos, and when we got bored of the strip, we went to hoover dam and the grand canyon. it was amazing! and on top of all that, he proposed! It was incredibly romantic! we were walking the strip, and we went to see the fountains at the balagio. there was beautiful italian opera going, and the fountians were beautiful. then when the show was over, he got down on one knee, held out the ring, and told me it was the ring his dad gave to his mom, and it's the ring he wants to give me to ask me to be his wife. it was so beautiful.

So we decide to get married in june of next year. we were gonna do it in his back yard. then my ma suggests we do it at the elks, and gets me a good deal. so then we change it to January, since we wouldn't have to wait for nice weather. so we start making the plans, and it's looking like it would cost maybe 4 thousand, which is a really good deal for everything. so we start looking into everything and planning and whatnot.

well, now let's change everything again...i'm pregnant. I just found out this weekend. no more elegant wedding. my sister won't be able to make it with such short notice. my brother can't come. we have no money saved up. my ma still says we can have it at the elks, and she was gonna look into getting a price break. even slashing the guest list to only 50 (which is only family, no friends at all, which bugs me too!) it's still gonna cost at least $1500, and that's with my ma paying half. I mean i know i'm being selfish. i know that things are bothering me that really shouldn't. so what if i can't have the $600 dress i fell in love with, and instead i have to look for some discounted prom dress or something. so what if he is suggesting a costco sheet cake as our wedding cake. why should these things bother me when i am getting everything i wanted out of life.

I am marrying the man of my dreams, and we're starting our family together (a little earlier then planned, but still.) why should such trivial things be bothering me. i've been scouring my budget, trying to figure out what to do. we were talking about trying to have me stay home when the baby comes. it actually looks like it may be a possibility. i can pay off everything i owe, except my car by the time the baby comes. and even my car would be paid off after just 5 months. that's totally do-able. by that point, with my phone and car insurance and everything I'll only be adding $92 to the monthly bills. that's not bad at all. I have to go through his budget now, and figure out if we really can handle the loss of an income.

it just seems to me like i have all this good news, and i'm so upset. Will is being great. he's very excited about the baby, and he's being great helping me plan the wedding. he's being more supportive than i think anyone possibly could be, but i'm just still in this funk. I just can't seem to grasp on to the good, and all the worry is looming over me. no beautiful wedding, it's like we're teenagers that got knocked up. this isn't about our love anymore, it's about getting married as soon as possible before the baby.

i just don't know what to do, or how to make myself be more happy about losing the wedding of my dreams. see...i told you i'm being selfish, i mean i hear myself and get so pissed because i sound like a spoiled brat. I just can't help the way i feel.