overanalyzations

i'm such a slacker

2008-06-13T10:50:00.002-04:00

So i've noticed that I really don't wanna do anything anymore. I have no interest in my job. It's becoming such a pain in the ass. So i've taken over the salary payrolls from another girl that used to run them. The director of HR thought it would be a better idea to have one person doing all of the payrolls. which makes perfect sense. and because i do such a good job with the other 2 payrolls I run, they decided to give me the other 2. so back when this all started I was all excited cause it meant that they trusted me with salary information, which has always been very hush hush, plus i like doing payrolls so i thought it would be good.

So then it comes time for the girl who already does salary payrolls to hand off the job to me. She turns into a total bitch about it. Won't show me everything i need to know, won't teach me, and just being mean as I ask questions. for example, she tells me to sit at her desk and run these 4 reports and take care of that. So i'm like, ok, well are you gonna show me what reports you're talking about? Are you gonna tell me where these figures come from? I mean how is that teaching? Then she tells earlene that she doesn't think i'm gonna be able to handle this job, and that I don't ask enough questions. Bull shit! I had to ask questions cause she wasn't offering any of the information up! Earlene says that it's because when she learned the payroll she didn't have a clue, but I've been running payrolls for 5 years, i kind of know what i'm doing. Then her and some other girl at work were talking about me at lunch with Earlene there and they were talking about how i'm not gonna know anything and I'm gonna have to talk to earlene about all these things that nicole never mentioned that i had to do. So earlene says nicole is trying to set me up for failure. WTF?!

I've never been anything but nice to this girl. I help her run reports that she doesn't know how to do, I've tried to help in any way i can. Earlene says she's just pissy cause i'm taking her payrolls and stepping on her toes, but what am I supposed to do when the president of the company tells me to do something? It just is really getting to me. I hate people being mean to me when i give them no reason to be.

Apparently I don't have enough to worry about already in my life, I need this chick trying to make me look bad at work. I just don't even wanna be here anymore, and reasons like this, I'm glad that we're trying to work it out that I quit my job and stay at home with the baby. She can have her friggin payrolls back. I just wish we knew for sure that we can afford it, and I'd tell her today to just not give them to me at all.

With everything else going on, I have really begun to hate my job, and if it weren't for the fact that i'm trying to pay off all my debt before the baby (including my car) then I think I would walk out.

changes

2008-06-03T08:02:00.003-04:00

before you read this, realize this is not public knowledge yet, so please keep this info here.

well, so I haven't updated in forever, and a million things are going on in my life. Will and I went to Vegas, and had a blast! everyhting was picture perfect. we went to all the casinos, and when we got bored of the strip, we went to hoover dam and the grand canyon. it was amazing! and on top of all that, he proposed! It was incredibly romantic! we were walking the strip, and we went to see the fountains at the balagio. there was beautiful italian opera going, and the fountians were beautiful. then when the show was over, he got down on one knee, held out the ring, and told me it was the ring his dad gave to his mom, and it's the ring he wants to give me to ask me to be his wife. it was so beautiful.

So we decide to get married in june of next year. we were gonna do it in his back yard. then my ma suggests we do it at the elks, and gets me a good deal. so then we change it to January, since we wouldn't have to wait for nice weather. so we start making the plans, and it's looking like it would cost maybe 4 thousand, which is a really good deal for everything. so we start looking into everything and planning and whatnot.

well, now let's change everything again...i'm pregnant. I just found out this weekend. no more elegant wedding. my sister won't be able to make it with such short notice. my brother can't come. we have no money saved up. my ma still says we can have it at the elks, and she was gonna look into getting a price break. even slashing the guest list to only 50 (which is only family, no friends at all, which bugs me too!) it's still gonna cost at least $1500, and that's with my ma paying half. I mean i know i'm being selfish. i know that things are bothering me that really shouldn't. so what if i can't have the $600 dress i fell in love with, and instead i have to look for some discounted prom dress or something. so what if he is suggesting a costco sheet cake as our wedding cake. why should these things bother me when i am getting everything i wanted out of life.

I am marrying the man of my dreams, and we're starting our family together (a little earlier then planned, but still.) why should such trivial things be bothering me. i've been scouring my budget, trying to figure out what to do. we were talking about trying to have me stay home when the baby comes. it actually looks like it may be a possibility. i can pay off everything i owe, except my car by the time the baby comes. and even my car would be paid off after just 5 months. that's totally do-able. by that point, with my phone and car insurance and everything I'll only be adding $92 to the monthly bills. that's not bad at all. I have to go through his budget now, and figure out if we really can handle the loss of an income.

it just seems to me like i have all this good news, and i'm so upset. Will is being great. he's very excited about the baby, and he's being great helping me plan the wedding. he's being more supportive than i think anyone possibly could be, but i'm just still in this funk. I just can't seem to grasp on to the good, and all the worry is looming over me. no beautiful wedding, it's like we're teenagers that got knocked up. this isn't about our love anymore, it's about getting married as soon as possible before the baby.

i just don't know what to do, or how to make myself be more happy about losing the wedding of my dreams. see...i told you i'm being selfish, i mean i hear myself and get so pissed because i sound like a spoiled brat. I just can't help the way i feel.

I talked to Brian

2008-03-27T10:56:00.002-04:00

So Brian calls me after work last night. (my work, he still doesn't work) I told him I got that phone call, and they say we owe 3 grand. He said he knows, he's been getting the letters for a year. i asked why he didn't tell me about it, and that I hadn't been receiving the letters. He said he just figured they were sending them to me too. OK, I can understand that logic. except I wouldn't have ignored it! So I told him I was applying for a loan from my bank for the money, so that I can pay it and keep it from messing up both of our credits. I told him I was willing to work with him, and asked him if he was willing to work with me in any way shape or form. He told me that he wasn't going to make any promises that he wouldn't be able to keep. I again asked if he was willing to work with me at all? he said he can't promise anything. WTF? he said that he didn't even think the apartment was his responsibility anyway, cause he didn't want it in the first place, he just went along with it. OK, whatever! he signed the lease too! and the reason we had to get an apartment was because he couldn't get along with my mother, and we were living in her house. He finally said he would look at crunching some numbers and see what he could do.

He then proceeded to tell me that it was really hard for him to get over me, and how hard it is for him to find a job, and he's been looking so hard. poor him. I'm sorry, but I really don't believe that it takes over 2 years to find a job. McDonald's is always hiring, and you can get a crappy job and still continue to look for a better one.

He told me to msg him when i find out about the loan, and he would look into seeing what he can do about helping me out, but no promises.

it was really a terribly crappy conversation, and it reminded me what a terrible relationship i had with him, and how he hasn't changed a bit. He can still go out every night and drink and do drugs, and everything, but he can't tell me he'll give me $50 a month to take care of this. he's just as immature and irresponsible as always. He has no bills whatsoever, and he works wrestling gigs. you could mistake him for a 12 yr old little boy.

By the time I got off the phone with him, I got over to wills house, and I was upset, because it was a very unproductive phone call. i was telling will about it, and he just told me "well what did you expect?" after a couple minutes, he asked if i was gonna be crabby all night. at that point i told him that he has no comforting skills. i then told him numerous things that he has said that he should not say when trying to comfort me. like it's all my fault, are you gonna be crabby all night, your being irrational, etc. we talked a bit about how he isn't a real emotional person, and when he sees a problem he goes about trying to fix it, and not dwell on the emotional factors. uhg. well me being as emotional as i am, i asked him to maybe work on the comfort thing a little. he did tell me that no matter what the problem we can work on fixing it together, and that was pretty sweet of him. i stopped being so crabby and the rest of the night was pretty good.

I just msgd Brian and told him that i did get approved for the loan, and asked if he's figured anything out. i won't hold my breath. Everyone is telling me to just take him to small claims court. i just don't know. I'm kind of leaning towards it after my phone call with him. i mean Will says that if i do that, and he doesn't pay (which is likely) the courts can't make him pay. I mean he has no job, and no bank account anyway. but I can write like 30% off towards bad debt on my taxes next year, but only if i sue. i guess I'm still not sure if its worth it at this point. 30% of half of the $2200 i can get them talked down to by making a lump sum is only $330. then take out court costs and stuff from that, and I'll maybe write off $250. is it really worth it to take time off work I don't have to maybe write off that small amount?

what do you think?

Roadblocks SUCK!

2008-03-26T10:59:00.002-04:00

OK, so yet another reason to think that exes suck hardcore. So i get a call a couple days ago saying that I am being put into collections for a $3000.00 bill from the apartment that Brian and I shared. And by sharing I mean that he promised to pay half, and didn't ever pay a cent the whole time we lived together. so the guy tells me that they have been sending notices for the last year and have received no response. gee, maybe that's because all the notices were going to Brian's house, and I knew nothing about it! so now i have to come up with 3 grand, and Brian continues to get off Scott free. gotta love the fairness there. so i was talking to will shortly after i got the call, and he tells me well you signed the lease, so you're responsible for the payment, and you should have known this was coming, and all kinds of other "logical" things. OK, I'm sorry, but if you got a phone call saying you're going into collections for that much money, do you really want someone telling you it's all yr fault and you deserve it? um...no! so he tells me that i need to go to the bank right that moment and apply for a personal loan, and i tell him i don't want to cause I'm upset and i don't wanna break into tears out in public. is it just me or is that kind of insensitive? finally i cave in and go, and he comes with, which was good, cause i didn't know what kind of loan to get or anything, and he has some experience with that kind of thing. i told him that he was being insensitive though, and he said that he just looks at things logically. whatever.

so i actually got the loan, which was pretty damn great, so i can call the guy back and pay it off in full before it damages my credit. So i called Brian, cause i want to at least tell him he owes half, not that it will get me anything, he still doesn't have a job. and he's been getting these notices for a year and never said a friggin word to me, and that's beyond wrong. he could have dropped it off in my mailbox, or told nae to tell me, or called me. there were def options there. so i called him yesterday at 1230, and he was still asleep. i asked his gram to have him call me at 4. no call. i called again at 430, no answer. then this morning at like 6 he sends me a myspace msg. "you rang?-Brian"

um...ok, how about you call me at a decent hour? how about you tell me the best time to get ahold of you? how about acting like a human instead of a 12 yr old little boy? uhg!

so i responded and told him i need to talk to him, and asked him to tell me the best time to get ahold of him. I don't even know what to say to him. I'm so pissed. and I've been trying so hard to get my finances in order and everything, and everything I've done is now undone. it's just not fair.

the guy at the debt collectors said i should sue him. he also told me that he would give me all the information to do so. but idk. i mean he doesn't have a job, so even if i did sue him, it wouldn't be him paying, it would be his ma or grandparents. and they are REALLY good people. and will says that even if you sue someone, and the judge rules in my favor, it would still be up to me to collect. so if he didn't wanna pay, then basically he wouldn't even have to. what kind of sense does that make?!

i just really don't know what to say to him when i finally do talk to him, and i don't know what to do about the whole situation.

any suggestions?

I'm being a little pushy, I know

2008-03-17T06:52:00.002-04:00

So I gave Will his watch, and he liked it. Not quite the wow factor that I was hoping for, but he's not a really excitable person. So Friday we went to dinner with ma, Mak, Will, JR, Brenda, and Yoshi. It was very nice. Then Saturday, i finished up a project for ma that she needed my help on, then makie and I went over to Wills. I took him out to Buka di Beppo's for his bday dinner. we went back to his house, played a few games of this new board game makie got for her bday, pictureeka. it was pretty fun, we all enjoyed it. then we rented a movie, evan almighty. we went to bed. then on sunday, we went up to wills gram's house and visited with her and his aunt. in the car on the way back i was looking at vegas brochures, and read an artical that said in vegas to get married all you need is a valid drivers license, and $55 to get a marriage license. he said maybe if it was a year later he would think about it, but not now. back to his house, and we ended up spending the night again.

this morning i woke up at like 330, and decided that he should wake up too! so after waking him up in a very nice way, we were laying there talking while i was waiting for my alarm to go off. he was talking about how things would work out "theoretically" if we were to get married. about taking makie to school in the morning, and it being such a drive and all. what an inconvenience, and if we would really get any more time together, and what would my mother think, and if she would bitch about getting less time with me, and finances, and the moeny it would take to get a ring, and then pay for a wedding. he said that it isn't that he's not sure about me, it's all the other factors that go along with me. he said he's 90% certain that he wants to marry me. but is that really enough? i told him i'm 150% sure, and he laughed and said that i guess that makes up for his 10% of doubts. I told him about when i was looking for his watch at zales, being a girl and all, I went and looked at the engagement rings, and told him about the one that i like, and told him it was on sale right now, lol. he said that's great, no pressure. but he was laughing about it. then he was saying that he might get the rings from when his mom and dad got married.

idk, i mean i lovve it when he talks about us getting married, and it's so very much what i want, but i really want him to want it too, and i don't know how to make him see what i see when i look at us together. i know that it's just gonna take more time, and i really should just leave it alone until he figures it out on his own. the thing is that i think if i left it alone, he would just let things continue this way for a million years. one of the things that is making him think about this on his own though is the fact that he's adamant that we're not gonna live together until we're married. well even he's getting sick of me not being around enough. every day he's complaining more and more about not spending enough time with me, and the funny thing is, the more time i spend with him, the more time i want to spend with him. every other relationship i've ever been in, after a while i just get sick of the guy. the more time i spend with Will though, the more I find myself wanting to spend even more time with him. I swear it's like nothing i've ever experienced. I just can't get enough of him.

Idk, i planted the seeds of though about getting married in vegas, so i guess i'll just have to wait and see what he wants to do. i know i need to be patient, and let him move at his own pace. I'm just so ready, ya know. it's so hard for me to just sit back and let things progress at a snails pace. oh well, things will work out. with a relationship like ours, it's stronger than anything i've ever known. i just hope it's stronger than my impatience, lol.

well, i'm gonna get started on work, hope you all have a good one!

wills upcoming bday, and my impatience

2008-03-13T14:42:00.003-04:00

ok, so chuck is bugging me to blog again, so i will succumb. so wills bday is saturday, and i have been going insane trying to figure out what to do for him. so i finally decided i was gonna get him a nice watch. so i find the one i like at zales, and i bought it. it's a really nice watch, and i'm really hoping he's gonna like it, cause i'm kind of nervous about it not being exactly what he wants or something. i mean he basically has to tell me he likes it even if he doesn't. i spent a little more than i was going to. it was almost $250, but if it's the right gift, then that really doesn't matter. i just want him to be happy.

so all of that being said, i am a girl and all, so i went over to the engagement ring section. i have totally fallen in love with one of the rings i saw there. I looked at all the rings they had, and i've been looking at other rings at other stores. this is the one I want!!! ok, so forgive me, cause i have no idea how to put in links and stuff http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2538221&cp=2071133.2115463&pg=1&numResultsPerPage=47&cp=2071133&fbn=Metal+Color%7CWhite&f=PAD%2FMetal+Color%2FWhite&fbc=1&categoryId=2115463&kpc=1&parentPage=search&searchId=24535289193

but go look at this ring, it's just beautiful. and perfect for me. i don't like big and gawdy stuff, and this is the bridal set, which means that i wouldn't have to look for a matching wedding ring. and it's way cheap too, that wasn't my intention, but hey, woo hoo bonus for will, lol.

I know i'm getting carried away and all, but i really know that he's the one i wanna be with! i have no doubts. and if he wanted to get marrried when we went to vegas in May, i would be way more than willing.

grrrr, have i mentioned how much i hate having to be patient?

ok, i guess that's it. have a good one!!!

Valentine's Day

2008-02-15T15:07:00.003-05:00

So I firmly believe that I have the greatest boyfriend ever. Last night, I get off work, go to Will's house, and had the best night. He had a bouquet of Tulips for me, because he knows that roses aren't my favorite. He didn't know what my favorite flower was, but he really tried. It was sweet. He was dressed so nice, and then I saw the card, and I almost cried. He's really not the type of guy that expresses his feelings much. Thats kind of hard for me, cause then I'm always trying to guess how he feels. Well, he pretty much spilled it on the card, and it just meant so much. I know you probably don't care, but this is what it said:

My love for you is more powerful than any words can describe. I adore you. I think of you every spare moment and wish we could spend every day together. I never met a person so perfect for me. I would do anything for you. For the first of "Hundreds" of Valentine's days. With all my heart, Will

Maybe because he isn't the gushy type, it just means a lot, ya know. then he took me out to Boca di Bepo (i think that was the name) anyway, it was this really kewl italian place, which was super sweet, cause italian is my favorite, but he's really not a big fan. then, he took me to the movies, where we saw a chick flick :-) It was a really good one too! "Definately, Maybe." Then back to his house, and I'll just say that the night ended perfectly as well.

I just can't say how happy he makes me. I've just never felt so happy/loved/comfortable/challenged/giddy, just overall like I am in the greatest relationship ever. I know that I go on and on about him, but I guess I am just in shock of what a great guy he is, and just how happy I am to hae him in my life. That's just not smething I'm used to. Relationsips in my past have always been complicated in some way or another. There has always been way more bad than good. This relationship has NO BAD! Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with it, lol. Is that crazy or what?

ok, so I guess I'll stop there, it's just that I love talking about how happy he makes me, but I'm sure all my friends are sick of hearing it, lol. Oh well. :-)

question for you all

2008-01-24T10:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I have a question. I'm really not sure what to do about something that happened last night. tell me what you guys would do.

Last night i was checking my email, and an ex pops up on my messenger and says hi. i say hi, we still chat sometimes. then he tells me he misses me, and he still loves me, and he wishes that he could still have me in his life. He knows all about Will. he says he's happy that I have him in my life, but that he regrets losing me. I tell him that I'm totally devoted to Will, and that what he's doing is inapporpriate, and that dredging up the past is pointless, because it's the past. the thing is, that he's friends with my mom, so there are times that I have to hang out with him and such. Will knows about my past with him, and he's uncomfortable about him to begin with, but he doesn't throw a fit or anything when I go to his house with ma (she doesn't wanna go alone, cause she's not very social, so she'll only go to his get togethers if I go with her.)

So the question is, do I tell Will about the conversation last night, or do I just let it go. I don't want him to feel like i'm hiding anything from him, but at the same time, i really don't see how telling him will make anything better either. grrrr. what do you think?

2008-01-09T09:26:00.001-05:00

So the year is off to a pretty good start. Things are still going great with Will, and i think i'm starting to calm down a little with the whole freaking out about everything that's going on in his head and trying to speed up the relationship process. The way i see it is that everything is perfect the way it is, so why mess with a good thing. Things are becoming normal with Seton in the house. It's gonna be a little difficult adjusting to anyone new moving in, but she's fitting right in to our home. I have a new boss here at work, well, actually my boss has a new boss. She's not really happy with that, and is kind of freaking out, and work has been WAY busy, but it makes the day go by.

So i've been working on getting my finances in order, and it's going really well. the way ii have it figured, i will be totally debt free (car excluded) by the end of march. That's not too bad considering i was in the hole $5000 in mid december. then i'll be able to pay more to my car and a savings account so my car will be paid off 2 years early, and i'll have a bunch of money banked for whatever comes next (house, wedding perhaps, lol.)

I guess that's all the new developments in the new year.

2007-12-11T12:27:00.000-05:00

So of of you guys have done the whole list of things you may or may not know about you, so here is mine because i do not want to work today.

1. I was thinking about this list the whole time I was on lunch, and now I don't know where to start

2. I think I am the ugly duckling in my family

3 I have very strange dreams often. I wake Will up almost every night that I am there because of them

4 I think I am too hard on my daughter because I feel like she should know better

5 i think my mom is very mean sometimes

6 my mother obviously shows favortism to my brothers, and it's very hurtful

7 i think i am too obsorbed in my relationships, and always have been

8 in the past i have tried to convince myself that i loved men who were not good for me because i did not think i deserved anyone better.

9 i still feel that way

10 it bothers me that Will has not asked me to move in with him and that things are progressing so slowly

11 i think it would be a terrible inconvenience to move in with Will because he lives half an hour away from maks school, and ballet

12 i hate having to get up and go to work every morning, but i hate sitting at home

13 i am terrible with managing my money

14 i don't think Will finds me attractive because he never compliments me

15 i think i'm getting sick

16 i have an IQ of 152

17 i am proud of that because i feel like that's all i have

18 i really miss smoking pot sometimes

19 i really enjoy smoking cigarettes

20 my grandmother had cancer due to smoking, i had to suction the mucus from her lungs

21 that only made me smoke more

22 sometimes i wish will still smoked so that it would be more convenient for me, and i would be able to smoke in his house

23 everyone around me is having a baby, and I want another one so badly

24 Will does not even want to think about having a kid until he is 30, and even then i don't know if he really wants one

25 i know without a shadow of doubt that i want to marry will

26 i think he has a lot of reservations about even thinking about marriage

27 i was never in love with my ex husband

28 i was looking for a reason to dump him when i found out i was pregnant

29 i have always been very jealous of my brother PJ because everyone liked him a lot more than they liked me

30 it's a lot harder to come up with 101 things than i thought it would be

31 everything i own is in boxes in Wills garage because my mother doesn't have enough room in her house for any of my belongings...but there's enough room for everyone elses

32 i am a pushover that will take just about anything before finally taking too much. this usually takes years of putting up with a lot

33 i blame myself for all of my failed relationships, because i feel that if i would have tried harder, than those men would have cared enough to try a little

34 when i babysat for my uncles kids, he paid me $6 and hour, plus a bag of pot. when i quit smoking pot, i felt like i should have gotten a raise

35 i am a very picky eater

36 i hate wearing office clothes

37 in a perfect world, i could wear jeans and a hoodie every day

38 i read a lot. between one and two books every week

39 i LOVE sudoku

40 I was supposed to have a meeting with the VP this morning. it was pushed back until "later." i am completely unprepared for it

41 i am a total nerd.

42 i love math and science

43 if i don't understand a concept immediately, i feel completely incompetant

44 i only have 2 hours left of work for the day, but am tempted to ask to leave early because i don't feel well, even though i don't feel that bad

45 i am paranoid about being late

46 Will is the first person i have ever dated that i thought would break up with me, and that scares me

47 i have never been dumped

48 i have always been able to get any guy i wanted, but then i didn't want them after a month or so

49 it took 2 months of dating Will before i realized I was in love with him

50 every other guy there was that immediate spark that would fizzle quickly

51 even though i slack a lot, i feel like i deserve a raise because i do this job better than anyone who has previously held this position

52 this list is making me feel kind of sad and pathetic about my life

53 I am very proud of my daughter, and feel that all of her good attributes are because of me, and not scott

54 when i try to talk to my mother about my day, very often she interupts to tell me about her day, or sometimes she just walks away, as if anything i say has no impotance

55 my inbox is full because the last week i have been really busy, and now that i have time to catch up on really important work, i am slacking off

56 people disliked me in high school because i was "too happy"

57 i was in a math class with will my junior year, and do not remember him in that class

58 i don't remember much about anything in high school

59 i made an exboyfriend crash his car by giving him road head

60 i like rubber band balls

61 i hate the way my voice sounds on the phone, but i think i do a good job singing karaoke

62 i hate when guys wear their hats crooked

63 i hate when anything is crooked, and feel that all things should be symetrical

64 i use highlighters on a daily basis

65 there are a lot of times that i miss bartending for numerous reasons. the constant cash flow, the constant socialization, and i loved creating drinks

66 for the past several months i have had the strong desire to get drunk

67 i am going to try really hard to not work for the rest of the day

68 i feel guilty that Makenzie has to grow up with divorced parents

69 I fear that Will does not see our relationship to be as important as I do, although he has done nothing to make me feel that way

70 i usually have a new best friend every year

71 I just overheard the VP saying that he has to leave in 5 minutes. that makes me very happy because that means the meeting will not happen today

Thats all for now

morning musings

2007-12-11T10:53:00.000-05:00

Things are going a lot smoother now with Seton. She's getting used to being at the house, and is really trying to make things work. She's registered to go to scraft next month, and is working at the milner with ma today. things are still marvelous with Will...i am so lucky that i have him, seriously, he's the greatest guy I could ever imagine being with. We went to the light show on saturday night, Will, mak, Seton and I. it was really nice, then stopped at the end to see santa, have some hot choc, and makie played in the snow. sunday we went to the nutcracker. front row center, it was so great. the people in the pit were talking to makie before the show, so that made her feel very special. The ballet was beautiful, then we went to dinner with ma and seton afterwards.

So in other news...PJ is moving back here next month, with his girlfriend and the two girls. i'm pretty happy about that. i guess he's gonna stay with us until he can find a place. makie is way excited, cause his girls are 6 weeks older, and a year younger than her. it'll sure be crowded in the house though, but it'll be great.

So i've been thinking a lot lately about how i'm losing my best friend. for some reason, i end up getting someone that i'm incredibly close to for about a year or two, then we just kind of drift apart, cause life changes and such. I should be used to this i guess, but it's really bugging me. nae and i were inseperable for a little over a year. we even lived a couple doors down from each other for a few months. we had very similar relationships, and money situations, and life basically. but now, things are different. I've got will in my life, and things are going really great for me and everything, and she's worse off now than she was when we were hanging out. every time i call her, she' bitches about how much her life sucks, and if i say anything at all, if i say something good in my life, she shoots it down because her life is so hard and it's not fair, or if i complain about something then she just says it's nothing compared to how bad she's got it. so basically the whole conversation is her talking and me saying aww, poor nae. it's been this way for months now, and i'm just really sick of it. I just don't know what to do about it. i totally feel like it's time for me to move on, we have nothing in common anymore, but at the same time...she's been my best friend for almost 2 years. she never calls me, so it's always up to me to try to make contact, and she gives me such a guilt trip over not going to visit her, but every time i try to she has plans. i feel like it's really important for a girl to have a girlfriend she can turn to, but i just don't think that she's really there for me like she knows i am for her, which i have proven time and time again.

on top of that, i just don't see where i have time for other people in my life. my schedule is always pretty full, and everyone already complains that i don't have enough time for them. monday-brownies, tuesday-ballet, wednesday-mom night, thursday-will night, then the weekends, if i have mak, im doing stuff with her, if i don't then i do enjoy spending a little time with him. i only see him 5 out of every 14 days. i really don't think thats too much, not even close to enough if you ask me.

I would love to try to get together with some friends that i haven't hung out with in a while, but it seems like everyone is having the same trouble with trying to find free time. i don't know, maybe i'm just trying to find reasons to complain. i really shouldn't, things are going better for me now than they ever have been. work is way busy, but it's great, and they are really trying to keep me challenged, and Will is just super, mak is doing so great in school, they are telling me to try to get her into the ACAT program, cause she's just too darn smart (good thing she takes after me and not scott!) plus my finances are slowly but surely getting in order too. I guess I really should just look at the great things that are going on in my life and try to ignore the minor stuff.

i guess i'm in the mood to complain

2007-11-27T08:51:00.000-05:00

So I will say sorry right up front. I guess things have been bothering me a lot lately, but even I know that they aren't that bad, so I really shouldn't be complaining, but at the same time, i just feel like theres a bunch of stuff that adding up and i'm just a bit annoyed.

Nov 17th
I guess i'll start with the 17th. My sister called me at 2am, and I had been spending the night with Will. we were supposed to go up to his grams and go hunting. no, not that I could actually kill an animal, but i just wanted some time away with Will. so i get the call from my sis and will tells me to go back to bed, cause she's probably drunk. While this was partly true, she was drunk, she was calling to tell me that bether (her youngest) was having her baby. Erika was really upset cause she was still in florida, and they weren't supposed to come up till the following week. so she was fresking out and what was I supposed to do? I had to talk to her and comfort her. we talked for a few hours, me telling her everything would be okay. she bought a plane ticket, and her flight was leaving at 8. so I of course cancel my plans with will for our weekend away, and I drive to the airport to pick up my sister at 10. her flight was delayed, but she finally got here at noon. so i then drive her to Sturgis on the other side of the state to see her granddaughter. btw, bether had the baby while erika was still in the airplane. sucky that she wasn't there for it. so we spend the whole day at the hospital. check into a hotel that night and finally got a little sleep.

Nov 18th
spend most of Sunday at the hospital too. we went to meet my other neice Seton for lunch, and she tells us that she wants to move back home with me. umm....ok. ma of course is exstatic about the idea. she loves taking care of people. So gary (erika's hubby) drives up from florida, and stays with erika, so she's not alone, so i decide to go home. it's sunday, i'm exhausted, and i just wanna go home. we get home and will meets us there (Yay!) and helps us unpack all of setons stuff, fixes the TV so she has cable in her room, and i get to see him for a few minutes at least, even if it is with someone else there too.

Nov 19th
Monday I had the day off work (seeing as how it was supposed to be a vacation with Will.) so i was able to get seton all settled in. I hung out with her all day, and cooked for her all day. She's pregnant, 19, and due in April, so I have to make sure she eats right. then had girl scouts with mak. got home, cooked dinner, did makies homework with her, played with her, talked to ma a bit, and crashed.

Nov 20th
Tuesday I had work, which i was actually excited about. getting out of the house and everything. i felt kind of bad about leaving Seton alone all day though. So I pick up mak from school, and make dinner, help her with her homework, read with her, and by then my sister had driven over from sturgis to spend the remainder of her time with us. So then it was hanging out with her, and gary, ma, seton, mak, and me. makie saying she's bored and wants to play games, seton saying the same thing. ok, ballet time! so I take makie to ballet, which gave me an hour to talk to Will, which was needed. it had already been a very long and stressful week, and it's only tuesday. get home from ballet, and end up staying up till 11, which is fine for most, but i get up at 430 in the morning.

Nov 21st
Wake up exhausted. great way to start the day. oh well, i had a two day work week, can't really complain, plus to top it off, my boss wasn't at work, which always makes things better. so I work all day, then i'm supposed to pick up makie from school. i get halfway there, and scott calls to tell me he got out of work early, and he's gonna go pick her up. super, could he have possibly told me that before I drove an hour out of my way? oh well, so i call will and tell him I'm coming to his house for an hour of non family time. I love my family, but there's only so much you can take at once. So we hang out for a whole whopping hour, and then he comes over to my house with me. I help cook dinner, we all eat, then we play uno, which was pretty fun.

Nov 22nd
No thanksgiving meal for us on thanksgiving. Bether is gonna come up friday with her boyfriend and the new baby, so we're doing thanksgiving then. Lot's of prep to do though. So I entertain Seton, and mak, and help with getting everything ready for dinner tomorrow. Will comes over after he does his building check, and we all hang out and polish silverware, and set the table, and move furniture, and cook, and fold napkins (i made oragami napkins, they were pretty kewl.)

Nov 23rd
So we're going like mad trying to make sure that everything is perfect for dinner. cooking, cleaning, preparing, and all at the same time, mak and seton are still bored and need constant entertainment. ok, mak is 6, i get it. but come on, do I really have to constantly entertain a 19 year old too? and if seton isn't getting enough attention, then she feigns illness. this is already getting old. Oh well, what can you do? So Will comes over, and he spends most of the time talking to Gary, which was kind of good, cause ma had me working the whole time. Bether arrives with the baby, and she really is just the cutest thing you've ever seen, so little, i just can't believe it. and Joshi is there, (JR and brenda too of course, and brenda has another baby on the way too!) so dinner was great, and everyone pitched in to clean up, which was great, everyone got along which has never happened any other holiday. Then gary and erika, and bether and Jerry all pile into their trucks and head off to their homes. overall a very good day.

Nov 24th
So ma has to go down to milners to do a little work, couple of hours or so. So I make the mistake of asking if I can take mak over to Wills house and hang out there for a little while, and she can hang out with Seton. Yeah, big mistake. ma gets a little pissy with me, and lays the big "You're never home" guilt trip on me. ok, so forget that idea. I'm back on entertainment duty. So we play video games, and watch movies, and ma gets back and we all go watch a Bee Movie. it was a cute flick. (I still would have prefered some time away with will) He stayed at his house, which i really can't blame him at all. I mean there's only so much i can take, and they're my family.

Nov 25th
So it's pretty much a lazy day, I'm sick of being stuck in this house, and i'm sick of entertainment duty. I just want to leave my house in all actuality. Will is starting to get on me about how he's not getting any of my time. not in a bad way, not mad at me, just missing me. Which i feel the same way. I haven't been able to talk to him for 5 minutes without someone right up my butt. even when i try to go up to my room to talk to him on the phone, someone is walking in. ma has to work at the elks, so will comes over, fixes the door in the basement (it was hung the wrong way, and seton can't get in to the bathroom because there is too much stuff in the way.) so after he fixes the door, mak and seton are whining about it being so boring blah blah blah. so will says we should play video games. i have mario party 5 for the game cube, but only 2 controllers, and mak and seton won't play by themselves. so will decides he will buy us 2 more controllers so all 4 of us can play. i load up the car with the 4 of us, and we headed off to game stop, thinking they would be our best option. they have wireless ones for $25, but i was hoping for just a regular one for like $15 each. so we go to target, no luck, then walmart, they too only have the wireless for $25, but Will says he's had enough, and we'll just get these. we get home, and have no batteries. so i go to CVS. We play one game, and Seton gets a little pissy cause she didn't win. Will takes off cause it's gotten late, and everyone turns in.

Nov 26th. I go to work, and I'm bored out of my mind. I talked to my boss, told her i don't have nearly enough work to do, and begged for more. she turns me over to accounting and tells Brian there to give me work. Brian gives me a project that takes all of 5 minutes to update on a weekly basis. Gee, thanks. so glad you could keep me busy. I tell him i want more, like hours not minutes of work, and he says he'll give me more. we'll see. it's really bad when you have to beg for work to do, and yet you still spend all your work time doing myspace surveys. So i get home, cook dinner, play with makie a bit, and actually have a somewhat relaxing evening.

Nov 27th
So today, still bored at work. i was finished with both of my payrolls before 8. Earlene asks if Brian gave me anything to do and i told her that it was one little report that will take 5 minutes to do. so she gives me a project that will keep me busy for a bit. I get to stuff envelopes. woo hoo. I'm so glad this job challenges my intellect, lol. So makie has ballet tonight, so I'll get an hour to talk to Will without anyone else listening in, which will be good. then tomorrow is "mom night" which i would rather spend with Will, i mean i have been with my mother every day this week. although i've been with will a majority of it too, but it's different. Oh and will was talking to me last night, I guess my ma pissed him off a bit, cause she was talking on friday when all the babies were around that if will and i had a baby, it would be really tall and stuff. guess he didn't really appreciate that. idk how to feel about that either. should i feel hurt that the idea of having a baby with me makes him upset? or is it just that this has been a really stressful week, and how is he supposed to respond to my mother when we've been dating 7 months, and she's talking about us having babies, but at the same time, i can't go see him cause i'm never at home. i don't know. ok, i guess i'll go stuff some envelopes, and stop ranting.

busy halloween

2007-11-01T10:29:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was an insanely busy day. I had a few problems at work that took my whole day to fix, then I left work, went to pick up mak, and only had like 2 minutes before the bell rang. I am very nervous about being late. I always show up for things 15 minutes before i need to, so showing up to school with only two minutes to spare really bothers me. I pick her up and we went to the learning tree. This will be her new daycare, because the one that she was at is a total POS! Scott picked it out for convenience and cost. Well, some things you get what you pay for. Any one could just walk in off the street into the building, and while I am aware that I am slightly paranoid, anyone with a child in todays society will agree that there have been way too many news stories about people and daycares. Also, they sent us home a nasty letter saying that they weren't aware of something Scott was supposed to have delt with, anyway, they suck, and she's now going to the learning tree. So I went there with mak to finalize the paperwork and give them money. They don't take credit cards, ok, so I go to the bank, grab $120.00 for them for the week and registration (she only goes after school for 2 days) then we went home. Had to get her homework done before her dad picks her up. She complains that he never makes time for her to have her homework and 20 minutes of reading, so on wednesdays i like to get that done with her so that she has time. Had to write a letter to school stating her new bus route and everything. by then, her dad was there. I had to talk to him (which I hate doing!) and explain all the new policies and procedures with the new daycare, and figure out the money situation for that, then out the door heading to Wills. By now i am totally wound up and stressed, just from having such a busy day.

I call Will to see if there is a better way to get to his house cause the free way is all backed up, he doesn't answer. Ok, so I call my girlfriend Nae to chat with her, cause it seems like I never have any time for her anymore. She also doesn't answer. Ok. So i'm driving in horrible rush hour traffic, and will had told me earlier that he wants me at his house as soon as possible so that we could have a few minutes alone before his ma showed up. He calls back while i'm still on the road, and we chat for a bit. He tells me that his ma is at big lots around the corner from his house, so we won't be able to have any alone time after all, so he's all bummed about that, and I was too. so then he wants to know what I wanna do for food. at this point all I wanna do is stop driving! so he asks me to stop and get a pizza. ok, will he call it in? No, he doesn't like having to call. Fine! So he at least gives me a numer for hungry howies by his house, and i'm still 15 minutes away, so i'll be driving by it at the right time anyway. So i call, having no idea what to order. I get 2 large pizzas and cheeser bread. $30 and 45-60 minutes. What! that's insane! well what else can I do? i guess no one wanted to cook last night.

So I finally get to wills house, and his ma still isn't there. So we take advantage of the time we have alone. that made me feel better. then his ma gets there, and we sit around talking for a bit, waiting for the trick or treaters to show up. I'm all excited, cause they are so cute, and blah blah blah. Will even bought a case of regular size snicker bars to give away. then I go get the pizza, come home and eat. we pop in some tales from the crypt season 4 (not the best season at all, they were pretty lame.) we sat around talking with his ma until about 830 or so. I felt kind of bad for him, cause she kept saying how much nicer and bigger and better her house was compaired to his. I mean, that's a bit rude, isn't it? she must have said it at least a half dozen times. grrr. idk, so then we went to bed.

When I got up this morning, she was walking out the door as my alarm was going off at 530. didn't even say hello. idk, he said that she said she liked me the last time they were together, so i'll just not freak out about that. last night I was way too tired and stressed to even spend any energy on what she thought about me, which is really odd, cause I usually really freak out about things like that. Maybe because we were at his house instead of something more formal likke going out to dinner, or maybe just because I was whipped. regardless, it all ended up being ok. except for the lack of trick or treaters, which i was really bummed about. not a single kid. grrrr.

my perfect weekend

2007-10-15T11:21:00.000-04:00

So i had the most absolute picture perfect weekend! Makie and I went to Wills house saturday after he got out of work. We all went to the farm to go pumpkin picking. When we got there we fed the goats for a while (i love goats) then we saw they had a corn maze. Makie just adores mazes, so we went through, and it was so much fun!!! it took us about an hour to go through the whole thing, and there were turkeys and chickens just walking around through it too. then we took the hay ride to the pumpkin patch. we all picked out great pumkins! Makie found hers in less than a minute, lol. then we went back to Wills house, and he cooked us a wonderful dinner while i did dishes, and makie played her video game.

Sunday we slept in till 9, then Will started cooking pancakes. Makie got a bit bummed cause he said he was gonna make french toast, and he forgot, so he made french toast too! then we played a 2 hour game of monopoly. I lost, and Will won. Then Will made us lunch (he cooks better than I do) and then we carved pumpkins. Maks was the scariest one :-) After that, we roasted the pumpkin seeds. Will went and took a nap while makie and I baked a cake. We woke Will up when the cake was done, and makie went outside and played in the leaf piles. Then we played UNO, and Will made chicken and dumplings for dinner. I love them, they are SOOOO good! then Will played makies video game with her (littlest pet shop, lol.)

Just before we left, Will told me that we need to clean out his front bedroom (it's his storage room right now) so that Makie will have her own room! yeah, I really could not possibly ask for a better weekend. The weather was great, and so was the company! I'm pretty much floating on cloud nine today!!!

not finished yet

2007-10-09T13:38:00.000-04:00

ok, so i guess i'm not done spewing forth all the crap floating around in my brain. I still have an hour and a half to sit here at my desk, but all of my work has been done since 10, and i'm getting really bored of myspace. so okay, a problem i am dealing with as of right now. so the day before my bday i decided to quit smoking. actually let me back up a bit. a few days beforehand, Will and I were having a relationship talk, because every couple of months i force one out of him, much to his dismay. i was asking what problems he may see in the relationship so thata i could nip them in the bud. as i stated previously, i'm afraid he's gonna dump me, cause i'm not good enough. he said that he really doesn't have anything he would like to change about anything, except maybe the fact that i smoke. he is a non smoker, and when we started dating, he started smoking again, then quit after a couple months again. so back to the day before my bday...I quit. cold turkey, just like that. it sucked hardcore. personally i like to smoke. or maybe that's just what all smokers tell themselves. i def don't like paying over $5 a pack. he was so proud of me, and kept telling me that over and over again. it really made me feel good.

so i went three weeks without a smoke. then comes the day i am supposed to meet his family. ok, so i totally freak out. scared that they won't like me, they won't think i measure up, whatever. so i end up telling my boss that my kid is sick at school, and i leave and take a half day personal day. i go home, launder my outfit that i was wearing at work, so that there are no wrinkles, go to the store and buy a toy to bribe my daughter into being extra good at dinner (cause he invited her along as well, and she was very good, my daughter is a practical angel) buy her a new outfit, and basically freak out. I also buy a pack of smokes which i had not done in the previous three weeks. dinner went well, i was very quiet, while i was trying to interject as much as i could, there were few places for me to pipe in, seeing as how most of the conversation centered around "hey Will, remember when you did this stupid thing, etc."

Well that was my demise. that one pack of smokes. so then i went right back to smoking my normal amount. a little more than a pack a day. I didn't wanna tell Will, cause he would be so dissappointed in me. plus every time i bought one, it was the last one, ya know. so this went on for a week. finally, saturday we were packing up everything i own and donating a large portion of it because i live in my mothers house, and there is no room for anything that i own. my sister is coming at the end of the month, and the room i use to store my stuff is going to be needed as a bedroom. so out my stuff has to go. this is a very upsetting topic for me. so as we are going through everything and i'm faced with the fact that nothing that i own has any importance whatsoever, i stress out and tell will that i want to go to the store and get a pack of smokes.

so i tell him that i have been smoking this last week. he really doesn't say anything about it, takes me to the store, i smoke, and things continue on like nothing has happened. later while we're driving back to his house he says something about how not only am i smoking again, but i'm chain smoking (which i was) and i come up with the lame excuse that i'm stressed. then on sunday night i was talking to him, and asking him if he knew the date of our first date. i knew that he didn't, and for some reason this bugged me. he says that it's not that big of a deal, and how ppl don't celebrate that day, and that wedding aniverseries are the only ones that count, and how it's retarded that we're having a fight over him screwing up and not celebrating an aniversery that is 6 months away. and all of that is kind of true, but idk, i kind of feel that it is important, and it's celebrating that relationship for the year. anyway, so i also said something about him not talking about his feelings and everything, which i do tend to say to him a lot, which i probably shouldn't, it's just that i have so many emotions and thoughts rambling in my head, it just seems like he would to. the point i'm getting to is that he said that there's no point in talking about his thoughts anyway, cause it doesn't do any good. i was kind of taken aback. I asked what he was talking about, and he said that the only thing he ever mentioned that he would like to see different is my smoking habit, and I went back to it, so...

well that kind of hurt. and at the same time i feel like he is right. so the next morning i threw away my smokes, wrote him a note saying that, and also saying that i was sorry, and that i can certainly do this one little thing for him, seeing as how he does so much for me.

then at lunch i bought another pack. i was okay in the morning, but come lunch time i couldn't stop myself. then today, i ran out this morning, and said ok, no more. then at lunch, i went and bought a pack.

i'm kind of at a loss here. i mean if i quit for three weeks before, i figure i could quit again. and i quit because he wanted me to, which is the same reason. i mean i know i should, it's not just for him, but he was what brought it on. i don't know if i'm trying to rebel or what. my boss smokes, and we end up having very good bonding experiences when we go out and smoke together. my ma smokes too, so when i'm at home, it's a constant. i'm kind of at a loss here. idk if i should just tell him i can't quit and he's just gonna have to deal with that, or just try to get over my own demons and try harder to quit again. i just have no idea at this point.

i guess thats all i have to say. it's more than enough

still new to all of this

2007-10-09T12:22:00.000-04:00

So i have been looking at friends blogs lately, and decided maybe this is the way to get things off of my chest rather than making the people around me insane with all of my stupid thoughts. I have a tendancy to look at all of the bad things that may insue from a situation, and then in turn perhaps make those things happen instead of avoid them. I'm really not sure where to begin, so i suppose i will just jump right in.

lately i think I am possibly making things worse in my relationship. I say and do stupid things because i think stupid things. i wish there was some way to repress the thoughts that fill my head. i am way too overly emotional, and I allow things to hurt my feelings when i know darn well they were not said in that way. (i have a lot of spare time in my job as well, so instead of working, i try to find other ways to kill time, as you can tell.)

so here is my problem as of right now, and this may lead to more as i write, can't guarentee it won't, so i make no promises. Will is the most wonderful person that I could possibly have in my life. sometimes i'm afraid that he is too good for me. ok, strike that, i am very afraid that he is too good for me. he is intellegent, enough that my 152 IQ means just about diddly squat when we actually have debates (which btw, i love that we sit there and have debates.) I have this constant fear that he's gonna realize that he has sunken below his level with me, and will one day wake up and realize this mistake, and break up with me. now mind you he has done nothing to provoke these thoughts. it is 100% my mind working against me. he has gone out of his way to show me that i am loved. I have a 6 yr old daughter, Makenzie, (who is the cutest little one in the world i might add) and he is so great with her. we go out, and she is included. I had a mandotory parent night for girlscouts, and Will came with me. her open house, Will came with me. he thinks of her, and things that she would like to do, like going to see the nutcracker at xmas time (she's a little balerina, so she'll really love it.)

So back to the problem at hand (I could go on listing all of his good traits forever.) I have no idea how to qualm these feeling of ineptitude, and i'm afraid that maybe i am sabatageing (no clue how to spell that, sry) my relationship because of my feeling of inadiquicy. So i am open to any and all thoughts on the subject, and hoping that just by letting all of this out it will magically make me feel better.